Tuesday, November 29, 2011

You Lose It All

I cannot remember from where i started writing, what was the reason and what i wrote. It just came to me one fine day when i sat down thinking to pen down my feelings and i went on and on for hours. There was so much to say as if i had a whole different world within me which i couldn't express when i talked but writing became my language of the things my tongue wasn't able to comprehend. I began writing almost everyday filling down, scribbling in every empty page infront of me. It was amazing.

I soon realized how much love was inside of me, what love meant to me. Since i never had any girlfriend or anything i had a vivid imagination of that one girl, one amazing girl which would come in my life and against all the odds i would marry her. I've been the kind who when sees a girl and falls for her and picturize the whole future. It is stupid and idiotic but back then that was the kind of imagination and mentality i had. I wrote and wrote more and more about that one girl, how much i would love her, keep her safe and treat her like a princess. It went on and on and on.

Then came a girl along, oh how do i describe her ?
She was my picture perfect. Never before a girl fell for me and told me. To be honest she was just a good friend to me but at that point i welcomed her to my heart, the part where i was waiting for someone and that urge and dream was fulfilled. Beautiful like a dutch rose which would never weather in my eyes, kept and stored so deep inside. Her voice was like a soft stream of a flowing river, and Eyes, how can i even explain those. Not all my works together can express how beautiful her eyes were. I was amazed that such an amazing girl fell for me, and that fact swept me off my feet. Oh those beautiful nights of december, i could go back and live them over and over again because they are the most beautiful time of my life. She actually was a princess, when i got her i felt i needed nothing more from life. My whole heart and soul were no more mine, i just lived for her and nothing else. Every moment felt like a dream. I kept pinching myself to make sure it was reality. Oh, everytime my phone rang with her name flashing on the screen my heart pounded harder and faster against my chest.
I knew I was in Love.

Well as they say not every story has a good ending, unfortunately mine was  a part of that. It all ended abruptly. I do not know what was she thinking for what she did to me but all that i knew was that i loved her and to me it was far above any mistake or any wrong done to me. It was a cure to all the poison the world had to give me.
I dreamed to wake up beside her all my life, when i open my eyes the first thing i wanted to see her face, gently go to her while she stays asleep, kiss her on her forehead and then went to down her nose and wake her up. Bring her breakfast to bed every morning with a rose, everyday of my life. Take her to places where she always dreamed to go, love her the way she always wanted to. I still remember i almost left for her hometown to meet her, lied to my parents, made up some story but then she stopped me. She made me promise. Oh she still owes me my first kiss and first hug and i am sure she has very much forgotten about everything.

You see shit happens, you love someone but they don't love you back. For you the person is the best memory while you are just an unsung story. She left, i was all shattered. I knew it would change me but change me this much as i am now, it's unbelievable. Everything in my life came crashing down after she left me, career, emotions, relations. Nothing is the same. I have become so so numb to emotions and things such as love, became so cynical towards everything in life and most importantly i have forgotten to smile.Smile from heart.
Unintentionally i have destroyed myself while on the other hand she seems to be happy falling love, having an amazing life. Oh yeah i am happy for her, but that doesn't change anything. It's going to be a year and i changed so much, while she stays the same and falling in love every now and then.
I guess i am the weak one unable to get over someone while she stands tough and strong.I cannot write anymore, i do not have the passion for music, passion for life. It all went away with her sadly and that is why we say friends, Never Lose Yourself In Someone because when the person leaves, You Lose It ALL.

Signing Out.

Wishes and Questions

How am i ?
What is life to me now ?
Am i still the same or have changed ?

Some questions i expect people to ask me but above all i ask myself this question every now and then.Am i just lost or have i really changed ?
so many questions yet no answers and even when i get one it is just temporary.It's like i am a stuck cassette playing again and again to the same music which once made me happy and made life worth living.It's just getting difficult to get life through with each and every passing day.

I wonder what is wrong with this world ?
Why is everyone around me so Fake so Stupid ?
It's like the lies of this world have drenched their hearts so bad that now to them it seems to be a reality.Everyday on my facebook page i see people getting in and out of relationship like every week or in a month and every time they claim they are in love.How is that even possible ?
How can falling in and out love be so easy ?. Is it a joke at which people laugh and when they stop some other joke is teased in a conversation and they laugh again. This world with every passing day is becoming more difficult to understand. Ungratefulness, lack of affection, connection, Real Love. It's like they don't even know what life actually is.They are faking the lives of people around them.
How can getting out of love be SO GOD DAMN EASY ?
There are two explanations for this
First the person never was in love
Secondly they do not know what love is.

No it's not easy for me to get over someone that easy, like everyone does everyday.No it's not easy to wipe off those memories which reminds us of them. It's difficult, yes it is.
Sometimes i feel good for who and what i am but at times what i am makes me sad. I guess it's natural. Life is such a struggle for some people and it just gets tougher and tougher everyday to get through. The peculiarity of situations cannot be understood by anyone but only the person who is going through. Love is not my game anymore, i do not feel anything as such these days. All my life i been letting people know how amazing love is, even made some numb people realize what life holds for them but now i just feel really cold and numb myself and no one is there to make me understand. They can but some situations are just not explainable. Barely surviving has become my purpose. Colors of life have faded away so is the smile from my face. Sometimes i wish that i valued love to nothing. Giving it so much importance and then falling on my face has caused so much pain that almost everything has changed. Affected every little thing in my life.
I wish at times it was easy for me to forget. All of this suddenly struck me and i thought i would just write in down.

So much for a blog update and my life.

signing out.
Dreams of colors back in life.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Failed Attempt

Alright it was a stupid day at college.I saw the girl again and she was smiling at me.She was standing few feet away from me with her friends and i could tell she was looking at me.I manned up and started to walk towards her, it was a stupid situation.Walking towards her but not looking at her, i was so frigging nervous, as if i couldn't breathe.She was directly looking at me now without hiding and smiling but i do not know what happened i just turned away and walked away to some other direction.I have no idea what got into me i just couldn't.I do not think i could ever do such a thing.It is just way too much for me to handle.The reality is that ain't just me.I shouldn't try and be something i am not.Was that for right or wrong i do not know but that is all i can think of at the moment.

Signing Out.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

All the luck to me

Alright i have never ever done something as such i am going to do tomorrow.It is something VERY new to me.I am going to ask a girl out.She has been giving those pretty smiles whenever she see's me and she is one hell of a BEAUTIFUL girl.I mean the kind i never seen in my entire life.She is extravagantly beautiful, and has a smile to die for.Man i remember the first time when she gave me one of those smile.It's hard to believe that she is interested in me ( judging that before hand because of the way she looks at me... ). She is always in kinda dress i love.I am so nervous even while writing this down.I wrote down what i would say in a piece of paper and been trying to rehearse that.I know this is Stupid but i am so nervous. If i don't jot down what i want to say i won't be able to say a single word in front of her.
It's so so STUPID yet i want to do this.
All the luck to me

Signing out !

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Love Restored

What is love ? , it's magical, it cannot just happen when you want it to.It's like a magic, it takes you over, spell bounds you and even a little distance from that person makes you just dead from inside.It just don't happen.It's very rare but people in search for it makes the wrong decisions and some out of desperation.My life is not the same.I just feel the guy who i was a year back full of life and faith in love.I do not care what happened for this whole year, i am getting rid of the sadness i had all the time.They say they want fairytales but they should know all fairytales are not the same.I tried to give her one but i guess i was not what she was looking or she couldn't understand me.Whatever it may be, it's good that things worked out this way or else we would had been regretting.She didn't want what i had to give so why drag a story.The one for me will have a completely different story with me.She is happy where she is and i have just started to be after months of misery.Just that few things in this world restores your faith in love.I know something amazing will happen, there is a selected spell for me, i don't care how long it takes, i am in no rush.I could do anything to feel that no matter how much i have to wait.And when that happens there is no question that it won't work out.The thing is when things are meant to be there is no question of it won't.It won't be like what happened between me and her, not even close.

And my faith in love is restored and i am back as the old Zain.
Immense respect for love, feelings and emotions.
Music, writing and photography.
And just that beautiful wait while life goes on.

And my time will come.

I couldn't say Goodbye to you, you never gave me a proper chance.
So if you are reading this
Thank you for the memories.

Adios :)

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

A random click

And the beauty of those times still lives in my heart


The first few lines of the song STORM by Lifehouse somehow strikes me so much,
"How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface ♥"
I keep telling people i do not know what is wrong with my life but i know what is wrong and the problem is i do not know how to fix it.I been in this storm since like a year and it feels it's been a lifetime. I know not how to get through this storm, i picturize myself to be in a boat somewhere in the middle of a sea with waves crashing all over me. The dark sky suddenly lits by lightning and gone away in a glimpse. Nothing was good even before this year but i was alright, this worsened yet i held myself strong but then the things which happened is just something so impossible to get over.In this boat i am just sitting with my head down helpless and waiting.I do not know how to get through this and all i know i do not like this.There was just so much to say when i was left.I started bothering my best friends telling them about it, to some extent it was alright but then i noticed they stopped hearing me and feeling what i am going through is far away. I wish all that never had happened. Today i would be all smiling, writing those beautiful feelings and waiting for someone right. It just wasn't any ordinary heartbreak,  still i have seen people get over in days, might in few months but here everything is taking too long.Is true love so hard to forget ?
I am not the same guy i used to be, i don't feel anything the way i did.Where is the actual happiness, where is that smile i had, something so TRUE, something which came from inside.I am so young yet life feels that it has ended."
Barely surviving has become my purpose
It was just another heartbreak, just another heartache.Millions of people suffer through this everyday and soon they get over it in every possible way so why is it so difficult for me ?
I am no extra-ordinary
I have so much to do, life is falling apart infront of me and i cannot save it, as if my hands and heart is tied to something, my heart churns for freedom, what has kept my thoughts and emotions chained and confined.I still feel i am someone's yet the person is not even close.I do not want all that, i do not want any of it.I want my freedom.I tried everything yet everything is just the same.Is it so wrong to fall in love ?, If it goes wrong this is what you will have to go through ?
I want to say few things but that would make me hate myself, it might turn out to be gentle music for her but to me it would be poison darts.How long will i have to hold this in and wait for it to just go away ?
Everytime i feel or think it's over i close my eyes and it again makes a fresh start.Still deceiving me every moment, still lien to me every second.
So many unanswered question in this wretched soul 

wants to end this but is so helpless.

I want to go back to myself, i miss it so much, i miss those laughters those smiles, making everyone feel how important life is, how beautiful and amazing love is.Write about those feelings, make a music out of it.Those passions, dreams all just gone and now trying find happiness in things i do not think i want. Life since then is working out just through distraction.Who am i kidding ?. Distractions are temporary.It might last a while but not forever. She just left me like this, i told her i was her best friend first then anything else, she didn't even keep that part. She could have had helped me up, it was so easy for her but it wasn't the same for me. The things i did for her i know wasn't even close to gifting a girl diamonds or pearls but that's all i could do, to someone it might not be anything but for me it was the best that i could make of what little i had. Love is a crime, nothing but a crime, not for everyone but for people like me, still i do not want to say that it was a MISTAKE which i committed. It would be wrong to say so.

This was better than talking to a friend, i feel a little better.It's like talking to myself yet it's good.I always knew i wasn't good enough, when i tell this to people they tell me i deserve better and the amazing thing is people say exactly the same to EVERYONE who goes through all this.But the truth stays the same i wasn't good enough, i knew it all the while yet ignored, and here i pay the price.
Price of my freedom.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Life you been good to be lately.Please can you do me one more favor ?

When i walk down the streets today i hope i run into a beautiful girl, not just superficially but also from heart, our eyes meet and we live the dream in just one glimpse.I miraculously get some strength to talk to a girl and we talk and i ask her out, i would take her to those special places i always dreamed of taking my girl, just lie down next to her holding her hand and talk, gently in her ears i would whisper those 3 words, gentle enough to bring a tear of happiness in her eye and in few years i marry her and have beautiful kids.Do something that would bring back the lost love in me so that i would feel the same feeling i had of waking up beside just one girl for the rest of my life.Watch her wake up when i enter the room with breakfast with a simple Dutch rose.I would marry her in every 10 years of my life with the same energy we got married the first time.
in short i want you to bless me with a Fairytale :)

Thank You !