FREEDOM

The first few lines of the song STORM by Lifehouse somehow strikes me so much,

"How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface ♥"

I keep telling people i do not know what is wrong with my life but i know what is wrong and the problem is i do not know how to fix it.I been in this storm since like a year and it feels it's been a lifetime. I know not how to get through this storm, i picturize myself to be in a boat somewhere in the middle of a sea with waves crashing all over me. The dark sky suddenly lits by lightning and gone away in a glimpse. Nothing was good even before this year but i was alright, this worsened yet i held myself strong but then the things which happened is just something so impossible to get over.In this boat i am just sitting with my head down helpless and waiting.I do not know how to get through this and all i know i do not like this.There was just so much to say when i was left.I started bothering my best friends telling them about it, to some extent it was alright but then i noticed they stopped hearing me and feeling what i am going through is far away. I wish all that never had happened. Today i would be all smiling, writing those beautiful feelings and waiting for someone right. It just wasn't any ordinary heartbreak,  still i have seen people get over in days, might in few months but here everything is taking too long.Is true love so hard to forget ?
I am not the same guy i used to be, i don't feel anything the way i did.Where is the actual happiness, where is that smile i had, something so TRUE, something which came from inside.I am so young yet life feels that it has ended."

Barely surviving has become my purpose

It was just another heartbreak, just another heartache.Millions of people suffer through this everyday and soon they get over it in every possible way so why is it so difficult for me ?
I am no extra-ordinary.
I have so much to do, life is falling apart infront of me and i cannot save it, as if my hands and heart is tied to something, my heart churns for freedom, what has kept my thoughts and emotions chained and confined.I still feel i am someone's yet the person is not even close.I do not want all that, i do not want any of it.I want my freedom.I tried everything yet everything is just the same.Is it so wrong to fall in love ?, If it goes wrong this is what you will have to go through ?
I want to say few things but that would make me hate myself, it might turn out to be gentle music for her but to me it would be poison darts.How long will i have to hold this in and wait for it to just go away ?
Everytime i feel or think it's over i close my eyes and it again makes a fresh start.Still deceiving me every moment, still lien to me every second.
So many unanswered question in this wretched soul 
wants to end this but is so helpless.

I want to go back to myself, i miss it so much, i miss those laughters those smiles, making everyone feel how important life is, how beautiful and amazing love is.Write about those feelings, make a music out of it.Those passions, dreams all just gone and now trying find happiness in things i do not think i want. Life since then is working out just through distraction.Who am i kidding ?. Distractions are temporary.It might last a while but not forever. She just left me like this, i told her i was her best friend first then anything else, she didn't even keep that part. She could have had helped me up, it was so easy for her but it wasn't the same for me. The things i did for her i know wasn't even close to gifting a girl diamonds or pearls but that's all i could do, to someone it might not be anything but for me it was the best that i could make of what little i had. Love is a crime, nothing but a crime, not for everyone but for people like me, still i do not want to say that it was a MISTAKE which i committed. It would be wrong to say so.
 
This was better than talking to a friend, i feel a little better.It's like talking to myself yet it's good.I always knew i wasn't good enough, when i tell this to people they tell me i deserve better and the amazing thing is people say exactly the same to EVERYONE who goes through all this.But the truth stays the same i wasn't good enough, i knew it all the while yet ignored, and here i pay the price.
Price of my freedom.