Bhai.

I don't know what i will do now
Now that you are gone,
This house feels so alone
How will i keep my mother strong ?

She loves you in such countless ways
Kept you away from any harm,
Treated you like her little baby
Even when you were all grown.

We fought so much
So much wrong things i said to you,
I don't know why i am not brave enough
To bow my head down and apologize right to you.

Please don't feel i won't miss you
because i already am,
Don't trust my expressions
because my tears are blocking my imagination.

I can't stop crying
thinking how am i going to survive without you
Those stupid fights
And those little things i brought just to fix things through.

Who is going to fix my computer,
Bhai ?
I will have no one to call to,
Who will understand my dreams
and make ammi abbu understand to

Ammi is going to miss you so much
I can't be her favorite,
I can't be what you are to her
and things you said to make her day.

Words can't explain how empty this house is
Who is going to complain about ammi's food ?
But you will still have it
When mom said "aao apne haat se khila du".

I know you are out there
To fulfill your dreams
And to fulfill mine,
Believe in yourself
because i am telling you
You're God's one amazing design.

I will try my best to keep ammi and abbu happy
But i won't be able to do what you did,
There is a reason they looked after you so much
Because you have a spectacular and magnificent gift.

Stay strong
and believe,
If someone cause you problem
I will come right down there and break his teeth.
You can count on me now
i will try my best

You have our duas
Please STAY SAFE.

No More.

I missed opportunities i will never get again, not because i wanted to but because i was lied to countless number of times.Somewhere the mistake stays mine, i grew up with a burning passion to fulfill my dreams and live the way i wanted to but how do i when your parents lie to you and basically doesn't give even a little importance to it.How do i when they pretend they care and make promises to just leave me when it is time to fulfill them ?

This passion of music, photography, writing and studying in a really good college were the only thing i wanted and loved the most after Allah and my parents.I lived my dreams in my dreams at night and sometimes daydreaming brought such immense satisfaction in me that nothing in the world ever can.I never wanted a car, or a motorbike or fancy cellphones or anything as such but life is quite the opposite i guess.Never even had a normal life or family, just a dysfunctional living through the day and helping my parents to just avoid fight and when they do i found myself in the crossfire and when it all ended i realized i have an exam tomorrow.What should i had done then ?
Leave them be just to hurt each other or could had left to concentrate on my studies ?
I couldn't opt for the latter because no matter what family is something much more important.Spent 8 years trying to solve their fights while my brother was their acting as a catalyst and provoking the fire with his tongue.Constant false promises finally ended my desire to study.I am at fault here to be honest because i relied on them a lot but what can a guy do when he is too occupied with fights almost all the years when he was supposed to work on his dreams and the funny thing is, i still am stuck there and when i played my part they always ditched me, left me with a broken dream and unfulfilled promise.
Music ?
Well that became a joke.Passion lost at its best and that is all i can say.Musicians Institute, California, application sent, got an audition and still i am here sitting here typing this down in this God forsaken house.
Photography, well to be honest i thank Allah for the gift he gave me in photography.Of course everything comes raw and you have to polish it but it also requires a lot of other factors in it like FREEDOM, TIME, and last but not least a CAMERA.I was 17 when i won few competitions in school and at state level but i guess that wasn't enough satisfaction for them.Now here i am 21 lost the eye for photography and the touch because promises made several times and not kept.
I have so much to say for once, so much held inside but can't find the right words to express.I am just living for one person now, Adrishi.I don't love her and that is the truth which she also knows but she loves me and that is more than enough for me to stick around with her.Honestly it is not pleasant always but i guess i have to, she deserves it plus i know her she is pretty suicidal when it comes to me.I've lost everything i always wanted, i don't want someone to feel the same.I know dreams and a person are a whole different thing but what if that is what you always wanted, you knew you could spend your whole life just living your dream ?
I am just a really really sad person filled with countless grief inside my heart trying to make a person happy but i guess i am failing at that as well.So many complaints and not being able to fulfill her expectations and countless compromises.I know my problem is not the worst, there are people who go through much more and telling myself that is how i get through the day, every single day.
I can't write anymore poems or stories because it all is just gone.So much worries, troubles and sadness has taken over me and no one can do a thing about it.Basically i am a cat who is crying over a spilt milk, which i will never ever get back again in my life.I feel so tired, so tired, waking everyday for no reason.

When i thought all is gone and lost and cannot be taken back lets just live through the day somehow, being with friends, hanging out, buying and doing small things for myself to stay away from reality,GOD disapproved me of it as well.Now my parents don't want that to happen with me as well.December month, this was the only time i could have gone out with my best friend to Delhi where we always wanted to go together since the start of our friendship.He will be leaving for his higher studies in the coming few months and i will be busy with my exams to get the degree my parents only want and basically after that we won't be able to meet for a really long time let alone going to a place we always wanted together and then comes my god damned internship and his job.Life requires logic to be lived in properly with a pinch of reality and this is what is mine.

I won't mind if i wake up dead tomorrow and don't live through the day.
Call me a person who complains a lot and whatsoever but in this misery trying to make others happy and making their problems go away, leaving friends is not a proper life for a guy who always lived with a burning passion for his dreams.

I thought i will feel good after typing all this but not even close, not even remotely close.
Who was i kidding ?
All of this won't change my reality.

I will live somehow thinking this is not the worst, it is yet to come and some are living it.

Last thought in his mind

She hurt him bad
So bad that he couldn't find himself again,
Each day became something to just get through
Nothing in his head and heart was the same.

The fire in his heart was put out
Like a burnt tree which can never catch a fire,
His pain was lost in the crowd
which he hid well and became a bold faced liar.

Everyone watched how he made others laugh
They said his pen truly expressed his emotions,
Truth was with her gone
He had lost just more than someone.

Behind his bold ideas of reality and laughter
He thought of ways to bury his heart
Tried keeping his feelings away from his broken smile
But from inside he was slowly falling apart.

She was there falling in love with someone else
Thinking of a new love in the depth of night,
While he was still there lying on his bed
Trying yet couldn't get her off his mind.

Time didn't heal his pain away
Tired of even getting betrayed by the greatest healer,
He knew it was a love that doesn't happen everyday
and without it he felt the end to be nearer.

With him lost his control of his heart and mind
With his fire burned down
With his failed attempts to leave the past behind
He only wishes to sleep buried deep in the ground.

Where thoughts of her won't reach him
not even the betraying time,
With nothing to believe in
Still he will leave with her as the last thought in his mind.

A Heart Caught Stare

I was sitting with friends
When I saw you head up the stairs,
It was to be a regular glimpse
But it became a heart caught stare.

I watched as you gently walked towards me
Every grace of your every footstep,
The curls of your hair graciously spoke to the wind
I witnessed how your smile and heart made a music so perfect

I wanted to look away
But as much i wanted to look at you
You looked so beautiful in the black grey dress,
Tell me what was my heart supposed to do
When i saw beauty at its best.

I slowly looked away pretending i didn't see
While you sat at a little distance with your friends,
I rushed to the washroom and looked myself in the mirror
That very moment i realized
You were way out of league.

As i came out with my head so down
With a sad acceptance,
I felt a stare from eyes brighter than the brightest town
It was you and it didn't look like some coincidence

I was trying to hide my smile
while you kept stealing looks at me,
I was trying to listen to my friends
but my mind wandered to something so beautiful i have never heard of or seen.

In my mind i played every way to talk to you
What a moment of desire and need you became,
Despite of all the ways i thought of i couldn't make a move
And i wondered in a crowd of so many how only you easily mesmerized my senses

This happened for a while
And my friends left,
I stayed back alone
Craving for one last look and to lose my breath.

I waited for hours for one last glimpse
I knew well it was crazy ,
I felt even a lifetime wasn't enough
To put our names in history.

It didn't happen the way i wanted it to
As always,
I left with a burning desire of one last look of you
And the need to know your name.

It has been 2 days and i can't get your picture off my mind
No matter what i do,
It feels i have left something behind.

Again today i had gone
Hoping for one specific miracle You,
Even today i had my hopes high and on
Yet things didn't happen the way it were supposed to.

What is it that you have done to me?
All my eyes desire for is you
How have you become my last at night and first thought every morning ?
What kind of magic you spell bounded me to ?

In this city of thousands
I believe someday i will run into you,
I don't care of the odds
I will get my last glimpse hoping it will start something new.

Pen and Emotions

I been staring at this paper
Trying to write anything,
Trying so hard to not let anyone down
But nothing is what it used to be.

Once there was a time
Writing was a pen to emotions in my heart and mind,
Feelings not known to anyone
Kept and buried deep inside.

What can i write
When i don't feel the same anymore,
Every bit of the old me seems to have disappeared
And I have no feelings to share or show.

Love were expressed and imaginative stories were made
To few it were wonderful while for others it were fine,
I penned down even the last drop which I could not say
My emotions together with an essence of rhyme.

I do not know why I cannot fill this blank paper
May it be because I am not the same anymore,
Even while writing this I try and wonder
How can emptiness be showed ?

With this I bid farewell to this use of pen and paper
With this I accept the truth,
It is pointless to pick up a pen and express never
It was a phase like a grass covered with a dew.

I am sorry to disappoint
I tried real hard,
Consider this the end of a phase
Like a temporary beating of a dead heart

For Them

Watch their hands lie on the dry ground
Drier than the desert,
Lips trying to tell their story but cannot make a sound
life can't be given with just promises and words.

Look in their eyes and picture what they feel
Because feeling like that is something unreal for you,
For few hours try and live their lives
You cannot imagine the pain and agony in their shoes.

Look at that mother trying feed her little ones
Though her tongue hasn't tasted anything in days,
Yet she smiles and gives her children pieces of crumbs
Not thinking of even taking a bite of that bread.

Their tears have dried up
They have not even sadness to spill,
Not just from clothes and shelter
They have been dried off from their faith and will.

If you have a candle light it up for them
If you got a voice you better shout out to them,
Re-ignite the faith and hope
and do not stop till you hit the melodious heart warming note.

Sometimes it will be easy
sometimes it's going to be hard,
Give them reasons to breathe freely
Lets build back their world which has been torn apart.

Everyone looks for a reason to live
some while looks for reason to love ,
They are in need to believe
that there is more to life than what they are living of.
If you still feel your troubles are bigger
and you are the more unfortunate one,
Still i hope praying once in a day for them
won't add up to your problems,
That little effort will make you to million to one.

Dear Future Wife.

Do not worry, i am on my way to steal you from all of them.
If you are sad at the moment, I promise when you are with me you will never ever feel the same. If you are little unwell and no one is able to recognize that, i promise i will be there to give you medicine and cover you with a blanket and lay right beside you holding you in my arms to make you feel the warmth you need.
I do not care if you are sick, i WILL kiss you.You don't need to worry about cooking much because i will often fix us a meal.
I will leave anything that comes in between us. Even if its my job, because such things come and go, but for you i have been waiting for a real long time. So long to keep you smiling and laughing.I know all of these will make you cry when i die but one thing is for sure i will be happy knowing you loved me the same.I cannot promise that i can be the PRINCE charming you always imagined but i will definitely do things for you which even a girl wanting a fairytale cannot imagine.
I do not care what your past is, how many guys you have
been with.But i promise i will be the one which you have been wanting, may it ask to change me.
I promise to be a great dad. It doesn't matter if i fill my stomach or not i promise yours will never go empty.I do not care if i wear the best clothes but i promise i will give you the best of what i can.
I promise to hold your feet and gently fit the shoes you desire even if i wear nothing.I promise you this, wherever you are, whatever you think of love, it is not enough compared to the amount of love i will give you.I will be your one and you will be mine forever till my last breathe.